Living Together Lonely

Living Together Lonely

If you’re lonely, chances are your partner is, too. But they are also probably trapped in a cycle of emotional disconnection and feel helpless to break it.

Nisarg Koladia
I would rather die of passion than of boredom.

I have heard about a hunter who got lost in the jungle. For three days, he could not find anybody to ask for the way out, and he was becoming more and more panicky — three days of no food and three days of constant fear of wild animals.

For three days, he was not able to sleep; he was sitting awake on some tree, afraid he may be attacked. There were snakes, there were lions, there were wild animals.

After the third day, the fourth day early in the morning, he saw a man sitting under a tree. You can imagine his joy. He rushed, he hugged the man, and he said, “What joy!” And the other man hugged him, and both were immensely happy. Then they asked each other, “Why are you so ecstatic?”

The first said, “I was lost and I was waiting to meet somebody.”

And the other said, “I am also lost and I am waiting to meet somebody. But if we are both lost then the ecstasy is just foolish. So now we will be lost together!”

That is what happens: you are lonely; the other is lonely — now you meet. First the honeymoon: that ecstasy that you have met the other, now you will not be lonely any more. However, within three days, or if you are intelligent enough, then within three hours… it depends on how intelligent you are. If you are stupid, then it will take a longer time because one does not learn; otherwise the intelligent person can immediately see after three minutes…”What are we trying to do? It is not going to happen. The other is as lonely as I am. Now we will be living together — two loneliness’s together. Two wounds together cannot help each other to be healed. Two blind people leading each other…”

Kabir says, both are bound to fall in a well sooner or later, and more possibly sooner than later.

Excerpt from: Osho – “Guida Spirituale”

As  Guy Winch further describes this phenomenon in relations - At some point, discussions about mutual interests, world events, and goals and dreams cease entirely and conversations become purely transactional—“We need milk,” “Your mother called,” or “Did you remember to pay the cable bill?”— We also fall into daily routines that foster emotional distance — one person watches television in the evening while the other is on the computer, or one goes to bed at 9 pm and wakes at 5 am while the other goes to bed at midnight and wakes at 8 am. 

1. Take the initiative. If you’re lonely, chances are your partner is, too. But they are also probably trapped in a cycle of emotional disconnection and feel helpless to break it. Try to initiate.

2. Create shared experiences. If your spouse is in the other room watching their favorite show, sit next to them. You can also suggest certain activities that require little effort (which will minimize objections) such as walks around the block or in the park, cooking a meal together, watching your wedding video or your children’s (reminding yourselves of more connected times), organizing a photo album together.

3. Practice taking their perspective. The longer we’re married, the more we tend to assume we know what the other person is thinking. But research clearly indicates this is not so.

Source of story: Osho – “Guida Spirituale”

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